Screenplay by
Douglas Adams
Based on the book
"The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
by
Douglas Adams
Revisions by
Karey Kirkpatrick
8/8/03
3rd Revised Draft
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 2.
1 OVER DARKNESS... 1
...we hear what we will come to know as the VOICE OF THE GUIDE.
GUIDE VOICE
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they
seem.
A small square image appears on screen. Home video. The dolphin stadium
at Sea World.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the
most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the third most
intelligent
which was, in fact, entirely accurate.
The dolphins perform; leaping through hoops, etc.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, dolphins who
curiously enough had long known of the impending destruction of the
planet Earth. They had
made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their
communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs
or whistle for tidbits, so they eventually decided they would leave Earth
by their own means.
They leap madly, desperately. Higher and higher...
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly
sophisticated attempt to do a double- backward somersault through a hoop
while whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but in fact the message was
this...
"So long and thanks for all the fish."
TITLES ROLL - (FULL SCREEN 35mm IMAGES)
Dolphins leap over and interact with the opening titles. Breathtaking
somersaults, back flips, choreographed to a Buzby Berkley-style song
called, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH." We end with a wide shot of
all the dolphins jumping out of the top of frame, but they never come
back down. TILT UP to a starry night sky - the dolphins have vanished.
END TITLES
As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then...
VOICE ON RADIO
...as well as Sea World Orlando and San Diego reporting their dolphins
have mysteriously disappeared overnight.
CUT TO:
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 3.
2 INT. ARTHUR DENT'S BEDROOM - MORNING 2
CLOSE ON the clock radio from which the voice emanates.
A hand shuts it off. ARTHUR DENT is awake. 30's. Kind faced. His feet
land perfectly in slippers as he stands and shuffles out of his very neat
but very boring room.
3 IN THE BATHROOM - Arthur gargles in front of the mirror. 3
He bends over to spit revealing a YELLOW BULLDOZER through the window,
crawling toward his house. A TEA KETTLE WHISTLES O.S.
4 INT. ARTHUR DENT'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 4
Arthur sets the newspaper (with the headline "DOLPHINS VANISH") on the
table, removes the kettle. Doesn't notice through the window 3 MORE LARGE
YELLOW BULLDOZERS.
He pours a cup of tea, sets the pot down next o his mobile phone. He
picks it up, stares at a DIGITAL PHOTO
ON THE SCREEN of himself and a very pretty woman (Tricia)
at a costume party.
He presses the phone to his head as if it were a cold compress. Suddenly,
there's a LOUD RUMBLING o.s. The tea cup RATTLES. Arthur looks out the
window. Now he sees the bulldozers.
The tea cup shatters on the floor.
CUT TO:
5 EXT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE - MORNING 5
Arthur, dressed in pajamas and robe, lies in the dirt in front of a
bulldozer, blocking it from destroying his house. He yells into his
mobile phone.
ARTHUR
(into phone)
What do you mean he's gone out to lunch? You just said he was still at
breakfast!
MR. PROSSER, a bureaucrat, leans over him.
PROSSER
Come off it, Mr. Dent. You can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever.
ARTHUR
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.
PROSSER
This bypass has got to be built and it's going to be built. You should
have made your protest months ago.
ARTHUR
The first I heard of it was when a workman came yesterday. I asked if
he'd come to clean the windows, and he said he'd come
to demolish the house. He didn't tell me right away of course. First he
wiped a couple of windows and charged me twenty quid. Then he told me.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 4.
5 CONTINUED: 5
The bulldozer driver, looking guilty, ducks behind the steering wheel.
Prosser removes plans from his briefcase.
PROSSER
Look. These plans have been on display at the planning office now for a
year.
ARTHUR
On display? I had to go down to a cellar!
PROSSER
That's the display department.
ARTHUR
I eventually found them in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a
disused
lavatory with a sign on the door saying
'beware of the leopard'.
PROSSER
Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer
if I just let it roll straight over you?
ARTHUR How much?
PROSSER None at all.
FORD (O.S.)
(American accent) Arthur!
Arthur and Prosser turn to see a man cresting a hill, pushing a shopping
cart which is filled with beer and bags of peanuts. This is FORD PREFECT.
Wiry, intense.
As he heads downhill, he leaps up and rides the cart down towards
Arthur's house — like a kid in a supermarket.
He rolls right past Arthur and the bulldozers.
Ford?
ARTHUR
He leaps off, drags the cart to a full stop.
FORD
Arthur! There you are. Here drink and eat with me. We need to talk.
ARTHUR
Er, um...now's not the best time, Ford
They're going to demolish my home,
FORD
Whoa. You already know ? How?
Arthur simply motions to the bulldozer.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 5.
5 CONTINUED: (2) 5
FORD (CONT'D)
Oh. When you say "they" you mean they . Got it. Listen, I gotta tell you
something important, and I gotta tell you now.
ARTHUR
But what about my house?
Ford looks to Prosser who is conferring with the bulldozer driver. He
pushes the cart over to him.
ARTHUR - watches as Ford gestures to Prosser who waves his hand and the
all the 'dozer engines die.
The bulldozer drivers step down, start drinking the beer and eating the
peanuts. Ford returns to Arthur.
FORD
C'mon. Let's go to the pub. He said they won't destroy your house until
they've finished the beers.
ARTHUR
Can we trust him?
FORD
I'd trust him to the end of the Earth.
ARTHUR
And how far's that?
FORD
About twelve minutes away.
CUT TO:
6 INT. VILLAGE PUB - MIDDAY 6
Ford and Arthur enter the half-full pub. Ford hurries to the bar. Arthur
follows, cell phone to his ear.
FORD
Six pints of bitter. And quickly. The world's about to end.
BARMAN
Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.
He starts to pull pints. Ford shoves bar peanuts into his pockets while
Arthur shouts into his phone...
ARTHUR
Well, when does he get back from lunch? Or is he going straight out for
tea?!
He shuts the phone, sits, looking forlorn.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
This is shaping up to be a crap day.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 6.
6 CONTINUED: 6
FORD
It's about to get a lot crappier.
BARMAN
There you are, six pints.
Ford slaps down a Ј50 note. The barman's impressed.
FORD
Keep the change. You've got ten minutes to spend it.
Ford pushes three pints in front of Arthur.
ARTHUR
Three? At lunchtime?
FORD
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
ARTHUR
Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a
page for people like you.
FORD Drink up.
ARTHUR Why three pints?
FORD Muscle relaxant.
(grabbing more peanuts)
And eat these. You'll need the salt.
ARTHUR
What's going on. Ford?
FORD
What would you say if I told you I wasn't really from Guilford but from a
small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Eetelgeuse?
ARTHUR
Why, is it the sort of thing you're likely to say?
FORD
Remember when we met? That car was racing toward me, I was trying to
greet it, you pushed me out of the way?
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 7.
7 QUICK CUT TO A STREET - MID-DAY 7
Ford stands in the middle of the road, extending a hand to a fast
approaching car.
Arthur drops his shopping, dives at him and tackles him out of the way as
the car zooms past.
(6 cont) BACK TO FORD IN THE PUB: (6 cont)
FORD
Didn't you find it a little strange that I
was trying to shake hands with a car?
ARTHUR
I assumed you were drunk.
FORD
(shaking his head)
I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was trying to introduce
myself.
ARTHUR
And that's why you're named after a discontinued car from the seventies?
FORD
(nodding)
You saved my life that day. Now I'm saving yours.
Arthur just stares at him, then turns to his beer.
ARTHUR
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
FORD
Look, if it's about your house...
ARTHUR
No, it's not that. It's....
He shows Ford the photo of he and Tricia on his phone.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I found her. Ford. The perfect girl. I
found her, and then I let her get away.
You remember that fancy dress party I told you about?
FORD
This isn't a long story, is it? We've only got six minutes.
Arthur shakes his head. Ford checks his watch.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 8.
6 CONTINUED: (2) 6
FORD (CONT'D)
Okay. Talk and drink. Fancy dress party.
ARTHUR
At that flat in Islington. I told you about it. Last week, remember?
FLASHBACK TO:
8 INT. ISLINGTON FLAT - NIGHT 8
Crowded flat. Everyone is in costume. Loud music BLARES.
ARTHUR (V.O.)
I can't bear those sort of parties, didn't want to go, would have much
rather stayed home and, I don't know, brush the dog. Anything. But there
I was -- and then, there she was...
Arthur, dressed in safari attire complete with pith helmet, sits off to
the side, observing, looking miserable.
TRICIA (O.S.) Who are you?
Arthur looks up. TRICIA MCMILLAN is dressed in a mid
19th century mens suit with mutton chop sideburns and is holding a
taxidermy beagle -- and she still looks beautiful. Arthur, ever the
gentleman, stands.
ARTHUR
I'm Arthur. Arthur Dent.
TRICIA
No, I mean who are you?
ARTHUR
Oh, the costume. Right. Er, um...
(sheepishly tipping his hat) Livingston, I presume.
(pointing to her attire)
Granted. Not as clever as Darwin, but the best I could do on short notice.
TRICIA
You're the first person who's got it right. Everyone keeps calling me
Sherlock.
ARTHUR
Really? I thought the beagle made it rather obvious.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 9.
8 CONTINUED: 8
ARTHUR
Really? I thought the beagle made it rather obvious.
He pets the dog. She smiles. He smiles back.
9 A CAMERA FLASH FLASHES. JUMP CUT to... 9
THE BALCONY — Arthur has just taken a digital photo of
he and Tricia on his cell phone. They look at the screen image and laugh.
ARTHUR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She was amazing, Ford. Witty, and beautiful, and brilliant. Four or five
degrees. One in math, one in astrophysics, another in biology...
TRICIA
I've got so many degrees I am officially unemployable. Let's drink to
that!
They clink their wine glasses, take sips, continue to chat.
ARTHUR (V.O.)
And just as I was asking myself, "Why is this stunning and intelligent
woman even giving me the time of day, out of nowhere she says...
TRICIA
Let's go somewhere.
ARTHUR
Yeah. It is a bit noisy. There's a lovely little cafe around the corner...
TRICIA
I was thinking Madagascar.
ARTHUR
Is that a new club on Dean Street?
TRICIA
No. It's a country. Off the coast of
Africa.
ARTHUR
Oh, that Madagascar. Right, off we go then.
(then realizing...) Good God, you're serious.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 10.
9 CONTINUED: 9
She nods. Arthur isn't sure how to react. ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Well...that's...an extraordinary
proposition. But...I can't just up and go. What about my job?
TRICIA
Quit. Get a new one when we return.
ARTHUR
I can't just...what about my house? Who would feed my dog?
TRICIA Bring him with.
ARTHUR
He's a Welsh Collie. He'd feel all out of place in Madagascar.
Trillian forces a smile, clearly disappointed.
ZAPHOD (O.S.)
You don't want to go to Madagascar.
They both turn to face ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX - very charming, extremely
handsome - whose attire seems very "other worldly." Knee high boots, a
yellow sash...
ZAPHOD (CONT'D)
Hi. I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Galaxy -- of course, you
probably already know that. I'm headed for a lost and distant planet.
Would you like to see my spaceship?
ARTHUR (V.O.)
I went to refresh our drinks. When I came back, she was gone.
10 EXT. BACK IK THE PUB - CONTINUOUS 10
Arthur stares into his beer, plagued by this loss.
ARTHUR
"Would you like to see my spaceship?" Really, what sort of chat up line
is that?
FORD
More popular than you'd think.
ARTHUR
I've left messages, sent letters... It's like she's vanished off the face
of the earth.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 11.
10 CONTINUED: 10
FORD
Hey, it happens. Speaking of...
(pulling a blinking electronic device from his satchel)
We've got two minutes. So drink up. There's a ROAR OF ENGINES and a LOUD
CRASH outside. Arthur and everyone else in the pub look up.
ARTHUR My house!
He runs out. Ford rises, grabs two handfuls of peanuts from the bowl,
tosses the barman all the money in his pocket.
FORD
A round for everyone, on me.
BARMAN
You really think the world's going to end?
(Ford nods)
Shouldn't we lie down or put a bag over our heads or something?
FORD If you want.
BARMAN Will it help?
FORD Not really.
He gives everyone in the bar a friendly salute, exits.
BARMAN
Last orders, then?
11 EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE PUB - MID-DAY 11
Arthur runs up the road towards his house which is being
bulldozed . Ford strides casually behind in the distance.
ARTHUR
STOP! STOP, YOU BASTARDS!!
Arthur suddenly stops running and covers his ears as we hear THE LOUDEST
RUMBLE IN MOTION PICTURE HISTORY .
11a A GIGANTIC YELLOW SPACESHIP (picture a concrete tower 11a block))
sweeps overhead. Ford hits the deck. Arthur is
blown sideways. Trees are uprooted.
Ford rises and hurries to the rubble that was Arthur's house. He digs
around near the exposed toilet and comes up with — A TOWEL . He hurries
to Arthur's side.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 12.
11a CONTINUED: 11a Another ship screams over, blowing them down again.
Rain
is knocked out of the clouds and lands in one big THWUMP! Everywhere
is soaked.
ARTHUR (CONT'D}
WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?!
FORD
Ships from a Vogon Constructor Fleet. I
picked up their signal this morning.
He shows Arthur his blinking Sens-0-Matic device.
FORD {CONT'D} Here. You'll need this.
He tosses Arthur the towel. Then, he removes a short black rod, his
ELECTRONIC THUMB. He sticks it out.
12 INT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION 12
Picture mission control in Houston. WORKERS scramble. Monitors line the
wall showing hundreds of news reports from around the globe; panic, chaos
and pandemonium.
Suddenly, there's a loud HUM through the speakers, followed by loud
GARGLES and SCREECHING. Then...
JELTZ {THROUGH SPEAKERS)
People of Earth, this is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic
Hyperspace planning council.
13 INT. A SUBURBAN BREAKFAST ROOM. CONTINUOUS 13
A FAMILY at breakfast, baffled that their cutlery, bowls and glasses
resonate with the sound of Jeltz's voice.
JELTZ (VOICE ONLY)
As you are probably aware, plans for the development of the outlying
regions of the galaxy involve the building of a
hyperspace express route through your star system...
14 EXT. OXFORD STREET ELECTRONICS STORE - CONTINUOUS 14
Several PATRONS watch the wall of TV's, all projecting a snowy, distorted
image. Jeltz's voice blares through the speakers.
JELTZ
...and, unfortunately, your planet is one of those scheduled for
demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth
minutes. Thank you.
Through the window behind them, throngs of people stampede down Oxford
Street, screaming.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 13.
15 EXT. SATELLITE TRACKING STATION 15
A TECHNICIAN speaks urgently into a microphone while his co-workers watch
the chaos on the monitors behind.
TECHNICIAN
Hello! Can you hear us? Please respond!
16 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 16
The VOGON BRIDGE is like a waterlogged old Skoda.
JELTZ (INTO THE P.A.)
There's no point in acting all surprised about it. The plans and
demolition orders have been on display at your local planning office in
Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time
to lodge formal complaints.
17 EXT. FIELD BY ARTHUR'S HOUSE. CONTINUOUS 17
Ford grabs hold of Arthur's shirt, extends the Thumb.
18 INT. THE PUB. CONTINUOUS 18
PULL BACK FROM JUKE BOX. The pub seems deserted.
VOGON CAPTAIN
(through juke box)
What do you mean you've never been to Alpha Centauri? Oh, for heaven's
sake mankind, it's only four light years away you know. I'm sorry, but if
you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs that's your
own lookout.
PULL BACK FARTHER - people lay on the ground with PAPER BAGS on their
heads.
19 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE. -- CONTINUOUS 19
Jeltz turns. He's large, green and walrusy.
JELTZ
Apathetic bloody planet, I've no sympathy at all. Energize the demolition
beams.
One of his walrusy FIRST OFFICERS pushes a yellow button.
20 BIG SHOT. FROM SPACE. LOOKING DOWN ON EARTH 20
As all the Vogon ships simultaneously send down a beam of yellow light.
Glowing fireballs travel down the beams toward Earth. On impact, they
bore into the surface.
JELTZ (O.S.) Detonate.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 14.
20 CONTINUED: 20
Like a giant casino going down in Vegas, there are a few small explosions
AMD THE EARTH IMPLODES. Just collapses in on itself. Gone.
The Vogon ships slowly retreat in formation, leaving nothing but DARKNESS
AND STARS.
21 Then a distant RED GLOW appears. As it gets nearer we 21
see that it says..."THE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY."
GUIDE VOICE
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book...
The title draws nearer. We see that it sits on an electronic book with
lots of buttons.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
...Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever
to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor.
The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A
star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations...
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE OMNIBUS, better selling than 53
MORE THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more controversial than Oolon
Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, WHERE GOD WENT WRONG,
SOME MORE OF GOD'S GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD PERSON, ANYWAY?
Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as the book
"presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the
Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great
Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and
wisdom. For though it has many omissions, and contains much which is
apocryphal, or at least wildly
inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two
important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper. And second, it has the
words "DON'T PANIC" printed in large friendly letters on its cover.
The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just below the title,
blinking like a tacky diner marquee.
PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the blinking light
illuminating his very disoriented face.
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 15.
22 INT. HOLD OF VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP - NIGHT 22
Arthur, in total shock, holds up the guide.
ARTHUR
So you're not from Guilford, which would explain the accent -- which I've
always wondered about...and you're not an out of work actor -- but rather
a writer for this...this...book thing.
Ford nods. Arthur rubs his weary brow.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
I don't feel well. I need a cup of tea.
Ford hands him a fistful of peanuts.
FORD
Here. Eat these. If you've never been through a transmat beam before
you've probably lost some salt and protein.
Arthur eats some peanuts, sits up, squints. Ford feels his way around the
room, looking for something.
ARTHUR
If I asked where we were would I regret
FORD
We're safe. For now.
Good.
ARTHUR
FORD
We're in a storage hold in one of the ships of the Vogon constructor
fleet ...
ARTHUR
Obviously some strange usage of the word safe I wasn't previously aware
of.
FORD
(not getting the sarcasm) Is it?
ARTHUR
Tell me you're joking.
FORD
Okay. I'm joking.
ARTHUR
And do a reassuring little laugh.
Ford does a reassuring little laugh.
ARTHUR (CONT'D)
Now tell me where we really are.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 16.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
FORD
In the storage hold of a Vogon constructor ship.
Ford continues his search. Arthur's breathing quickens.
ARTHUR
Get me home. Ford.
FORD
Home? Arthur...your home... is...
ARTHUR
Oh God - it was demolished! I've got to reach my lawyer! He must be back
from lunch by now...
He pulls out his cell phone. Desperately punches numbers. Ford flips on a
light switch, revealing a messy chamber full of alien junk and old
mattresses.
FORD
You don't remember, do you?
(taking his cell phone)
Okay. I've got something to tell you. It ain't gonna be easy, but you're
gonna have to just deal, okay?
ARTHUR
Good god. Is this really the interior of a flying saucer?
FORD Yeah. Why?
23 SHOT: DEEP SPACE. THE VOGON FLEET IN FLIGHT 23
ARTHUR (V.O.)
Well, it's a bit squalid isn't it?
FORD (V.O.)
Hey man, you're in denial.
24 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE 24
Jeltz consults one screen after another. At last he sees
Ford and Arthur. His walrusy eyes narrow.
25 BACK IN THE SLEEPING QUARTERS - MINUTES LATER 25
ARTHUR
Blown up? BLOWN UP?! Couldn't you have done something?!!
FORD
I did. I saved you.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 17.
25 CONTINUED: 25
ARTHUR
But there's six billion other people.
FORD
And all those ants.
ARTHUR
Yes, but ants aren't exactly people!
FORD
And now you're thinking like a Vogon.
(before Arthur can respond)
I saved your life, okay? Which makes us even. Next thing.
Ford throws Arthur a towel. Arthur looks confused.
FORD (CONT'D)
It's a tough galaxy. You want to survive out here, you really gotta know
where your towel is. Now gimme a hand over here.
Arthur joins Ford near a rusty ventilation pipe.
FORD (CONT'D) Careful, it's hot.
He slides the towel behind the pipe, holding each end of it, Arthur does
the same.
FORD (CONT'D)
We've got to get off this ship before the Vogons find us. Vogons hate
hitchhikers. Which is why they make ships with walls that won't allow the
Sub-Etna signal to pass through. So we've got to send the signal up and
out if we wanna catch a ride. Pull.
They both pull. A section of pipe snaps off. Steam shoots out. Ford holds
the black Thumb under the pipe.
ARTHUR What's a Vogon?
FORD
Ask the guide. Say "Vogons."
Ford continues turning dials. Arthur lifts the Guide.
ARTHUR
"Vogons."
The word "VOGONS" floats up into his field of vision.
Vogons.
GUIDE VOICE
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 18.
25 CONTINUED: (2) 25
CHARACTER, HISTORY, HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH, HOW TO ANNOY, WHAT TO AVOID.
Arthur touches CHARACTER.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy - not evil, but
bad- tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even
lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the
Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate,
sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry,
lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled
as fire-lighters.
Arthur touches 'HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH.'
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down
his throat.
Arthur touches 'WHAT TO AVOID'.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you.
FORD
They can't think, they can't imagine, most of them can't even spell. They
just run things.
(turns dial opposite direction)
And if we don't get a ride soon, you won't bneed the guide to illustrate
just how unpleasant the Vogons can be.
They've destroyed a planet today, that always makes them a little feisty.
ARTHUR
It can't be gone. It can't be!
(grabbing the Guide, shouting} Earth!
Shhh!
FORD
EARTH!!
ARTHUR
Earth.
GUIDE VOICE
An image of the Earth appears on the Guide's screen.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D) Harmless.
Arthur waits...and waits. The Earth image fades away.
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 19.
25 CONTINUED: (3) 25
ARTHUR
That's it? That's all this idiotic book has to say about my home?
"Harmless?"
FORD
Hey, there are a hundred billion stars in the Galaxy and only a limited
amount of space in the book's microprocessors. No one knew much about
Earth. That's why I was there. To expand the entry. I fired off a new one
to the editor before I got stranded.
ARTHUR
What does it say now?
FORD Mostly harmless.
Before Arthur can react, a speaker HUMS to life with screeching HOWLS and
GARGLES. Arthur cups his ears.
ARTHUR
Ahhh, what the hell is that?!
FORD
Here. Put this in your ear.
Ford removes a small yellow fish from his pouch. He moves to put it in
Arthur's ear. Arthur struggles.
ARTHUR
WHAT?...STOP!..DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH...
The LOUD GARGLING NOISE continues. Ford has to wrestle to get the fish in
Arthur's ear.
JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
ARTHUR
Argh! What's happening...?
As he succeeds, the noise mutates to the Vogon Captain's voice. Arthur
looks incredulous.
JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
This is your captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay
attention!
FORD
The fish. It's translating for you.
JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)
According to our instruments we have unwittingly picked up a couple of
hitchhikers who must be apprehended and...
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 20.
25 CONTINUED: (4) 25
Arthur doesn't want to hear any of this...pulls the fish back out of his
ear.
JELTZ {ON SPEAKER) (CONT'D)
Ford struggles, shoves it back in Arthur's ear again.
JELTZ (CONT'D)
...and this is not a taxi service for degenerate freeloaders.
The door BURSTS open. A VOGON GUARD enters. Grabs Ford and Arthur. They
struggle.
VOGON GUARD Resistance is useless!
The struggle continues. As they're dragged out the door, Arthur continues
to try to yank the fish out of his ear. Ford wrestles with him, trying to
keep it in.
GUIDE VOICE
The Babelfish is small, yellow, leechlike, and probably the oddest thing
in the Universe.
26 INT. VOGON SHIP CORRIDOR. 26
A bleak corridor. The Vogon guard pushes a still struggling Arthur and
Ford down it.
GUIDE VOICE
It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing unconscious frequencies and
excreting
a matrix of conscious frequencies to the speech centres of the brain, the
practical upshot of which is that if you stick one in your ear, you
instantly understand anything said to you in any language.
Arthur continues to struggle, until he passes a portal window. He backs
up to look out.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Now, it is such a bizarrely improbable thing that anything so
mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved in the Universe purely by
chance that many thinkers have chosen to see this as a final clinching
proof of the NON-existence of God.
26a ARTHUR'S POV -- of space through the window, beautiful 26a
purple-orange clouds of swirling stars and gasses.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The argument goes something like this...
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and
without faith I am nothing."
(CONTINUED)
HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03 21.
26a CONTINUED: 26a
It's finally sinking in -- he's in deep space.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
"But," says Man, "the Babelfish is a dead give-away. It proves you exist,
and so therefore you don't. QED." "Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought
of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
The guard yanks Arthur away, pushes him forward with Ford.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
Most leading theologians claim that this argument is a load of dingo's
kidneys but that didn't stop Oolon Colluphid from making a small fortune
when he used it as the central theme of his best-selling book,
'WELL THAT ABOUT WRAPS IT UP FOR GOD.'
Arthur looks lost and confused. They approach a set of double doors. He
stops. The Guard shoves him forward.
VOGON GUARD Resistance is useless!
Ford...
ARTHUR
FORD
Don't panic. If we're lucky, they'll throw us out into space.
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